BIRTH OF SANITY

My Hero.

2009-05-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

I called him “gundu” and at times “thatha”. I still call him that, only I hear no response. I get back from home after meeting a couple of my friends and there is something I‘d really like to share with him so I look for him as soon as I get back. And I see his picture framed on the wall. It hits me like a thunderbolt. He is gone. And will be forever.
A month back, thatha fell sick all of a sudden. He couldn’t believe he was sick so he tried his best to get off the bed but couldn’t. This lasted only for one day. I was sure it was one of the times; he would check in to the hospital and get right back…fit as a fiddle as he used to say. But he did not. He was rushed to the hospital at 2 am on 4th April. I knew he would be back in 2 days time or so. I didn’t even let my mind think “What if…” I called the hospital on 5th morning at 7 am and checked on him. They said he was getting better. “I knew it” I thought to myself. It is thatha, he can’t go.
My phone rang at 11:30 am. It was chitappa (thatha’s brother). He had gone to the hospital to visit him. I couldn’t leave the baby at home, I couldn’t take him either; he is too little. “Hi Chitappa, so how is thatha?” I asked. “Thatha passed away, Priya” I heard him say. Those words, that voice, that call I will never forget. Instantly, I looked at my baby and knew I had to be strong for him. So I choked back tears and told mom “Thatha is no more, ma”. She broke down, I still didn’t. Jobi had gone out to pick up decoration for baby’s party which was supposed to be held on the same day. I called him and told him what had happened. He came back home, I hugged him. A few tears and I was done. That moment, I blocked it out of my head. It is thatha, he can’t go.
Amma (Gramma) came back home from the hospital. I held her tight, not wanting to believe the intense sadness I was feeling, not wanting to know it was for thatha. Before I could break down, I ran back to my room and sat back thinking. Thinking of the days thatha and I had morning coffee together and went “Cheers” over a cup of filter kaapi. We would then read the newspaper together and talk about politics and take sides. Since he was in the Army, he never gives up in an argument which was always fun because I don’t either. We wouldn’t stop unless it was time for me to get dressed to leave to school/ college/ work. Yes, it happened for MANY years.
Over the years the scenario changed but I never really noticed it until now when I looked back in retrospect. During school we had our morning coffee everyday together, during college it 4 or 5 times a week as he would get up late sometimes. During work time, it was almost never but I hadn’t even noticed it! Why, I am not sure. I guess with time, it’s hard to notice some transitions. In the afternoons during school, he would wait for me to have lunch and would mix rice for me the way I love it. We would talk endlessly about my day at school and discuss physics. During college, he got a little tired and wouldn’t talk as much. When I went to work, I never saw him in the afternoons.
The nights though, never changed. I slept right next to him till the night before I got married. He would overhear my telephonic conversations and in order to get information out of me he would tell me about his “love story”. We never fell apart .Even if time changed and we didn’t have much time together like before, our bond remained and only grew stronger by the years. We had fights almost every day; we would talk it over and fight all over again. Sigh… if only I got back those years, those defining moments of my life. If only I could go back in time and hug him and tell him he means the world to me and he will always be my hero, my number one. Now I enter his room, I don’t see him trying to shut the windows to switch on the A/C or struggling to button his shirt or saying “Kondhai, can you get me a box of Pringles when you go out next? Any flavor would do but I like the potato one the best” I would get him two of those. I loved spoiling him. To me, after a point he was a child. A child who wanted hair gel, Pringles, Batteries, Cologne, Mach 3 Razors, the latest mobile phone. He was always very curious about the latest technology although he never quite got it.
For a month, I have bottled it all up. I remained oblivious to the fact that he is gone, that there will never ever be another thatha. But today, as I sit here trying to deal with his loss by writing this I realize there is no way I can possibly deal with it right now. Maybe over the years, maybe never. But for now, I have his countless undying memories and I have him very close to my heart. Like I was telling a friend “Legends never die.” And he is and will always be my legend, my guru, my everything.

Joys of Motherhood- II

2009-02-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

Ah well, I should really blog more often. My second trimester was pretty enjoyable. I am almost full term now and it's getting a little uneasy. Especially with the events around the nation which anger me a great deal, I think I might just have the baby a little before its due. Jobi has been great all along. Cooking, taking care of me and cooking a lot more. Boy, can he cook! I have even started wearing his clothes now :/

Anyway, coming back to one of the events that has pissed me off. The Mangalore pub incident. The whole nation watched as women were dragged out of a lounge and beaten. Now, how come the media knew that would happen? Fine, they were there "co-incidentally" , why didn't they try to protect the girls? According to me, media is supposed to cover the events of the nation,yes but not in such a shameful manner wherein these women who needed to be protected weren't!

This post is supposed to be about my "joys" so yeah, I have been pampered A LOT. But I cannot wait to get done. My temper has been going a little off track and it is a consolation to know that it is normal during pregnancy. I don't know what to expect in the near future but I am sure as hell excited. I have been reading up a lot about labour but that doesn't make me any less nervous! And no, youtube videos, my friend, don't help either! Also, I found out that my doc doesn't let anyone in the room. The joy! I am trying to focus on the non-existant brighter side.

Ugh! I just want to be done with this. NOW.

Non-drunken rambings...

2008-11-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

Since I cannot consume alcohol at this point in time, I am put in a situation at parties where I observe. And let me tell you, it's not as boring as it sounds. I'll tell you why. People who drink miss out on the chance to really look around. They tend to get a little to self-absorbed. After my last party, I paid attention to the various kinds of drunk personalities.

1. The sober drunk- This kind is pretty uncommon to find below the age of 25. These are the people who have "been there, done that". They know how to handle their drinks. Even after 20 pegs, they seem extremely sober in a social gathering. Although, one never knows what happens when they get home.

2. The philosophically drunk- As the name suggests, these people start their lines with "Have you ever wondered why..." or "Sometimes I feel like..." after their 2nd or 3rd drink. You know it will be a while before they shut up. Encounters of this kind, mostly end up in them either ending up in tears or well.. passing out.

3. The drunk extrovert- This is the kind who will go out of his way and socialize after a few drinks although he might or might not know what he is talking about. Mostly, its the latter. He seems overly confident about himself and his content of speech although he might slur.. a lot. They are loud and funny, not in ways they d want to be though.

4. The sexually drunk- Now this kind is found majorly between age groups 18- 23. These are the people who get extremely sexually uninhibited when drunk. They will "charge" on living or non-living objects after 4 or 5 drinks and claim they dont remember jackshit the next day :-/

5. The silent drunk- These are the people who get REALLY boring when drunk. They shut up and prefer to be left alone. My hypothesis is that they like to communicate with the voices in their heads when drunk because I refuse to believe that people can get that boring.

6. The self-obsessed drunk- Ok, now we have come across people who like to talk about themselves excessively when sober. These are the people who become the self-obsessed drunk. They still talk about themselves, only now they make sure EVERYONE in the room is paying close attention to them. If someone else tries to talk , they will get back to talking about themselves in about a minute. So yeah, the silent drunks are much better.

7. The plain weird drunk- These are not the kinds who will hit on you or stay in one corner of the room all by themselves. They are just plain weird when drunk. By weird I mean, repitative weird talks about the randomest stuff or doing the weirdest thing. I know I sound vague, but c'mon i m sure you have bumped into these kinds!

If you guys have anymore drunk personalities, please do add on. I am sure I will come across a lot more in the forthcoming parties as I have a good 2 years of sobriety. Woohoo!

To-Do

2008-09-26T03:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know it has been a while. You know it's not too easy to balance out a life that involves morning sickess, work, cooking and extreme fatigue. Again, everything paid off when we got to see the baby in the ultrasound. With the hands and legs and everything! Yeah ! It's human! And growing and stuff. While undergoing one of my "mood swing" phases, I was thinking about how much I have really "accomplished" in life.

So here is the list of the things I have done and the things I am yet to do.

~~Spend a whole night gazing at the stars~~
~~Laugh till I fall off my chair.~~
~~Cry till I fall off my chair.~~
Get so wasted that I dont remember a thing the next day.
~~Be extremely sober around extremely wasted people.~~
~~Hit it off with a girl.~~
~~Fall in love hopelessly and unconditionally.~~
~~Get so angry that I have wanted to stab someone repeatedly.~~
~~See desert, ocean and snow on the same day.~~
~~See clouds below me.~~
Write a book.
~~Get a tattoo.~~
Stop swearing for a few months at least.
~~Stop drinking.~~
~~Stay up all night talking and fall asleep at 8 am.~~
Finish ten masters degree.
~~Get married to the man of my dreams.~~
Not be impulsive.
Start my own practice of counselling.
~~Try weed.~~
Try Mushrooms.
~~Dress up like a pirate.~~
See Grand Canyon during Sunset.
Have absolutely nothing on my mind.
~~Fall asleep thinking I wont wake up the next day.~~
~~Feel really scared of losing someone.~~
Appear on a hugeass Billboard.
Be a man for a day.
~~Send a message in a bottle.~~
~~Ride a camel into the desert.~~
Be the funnest mom ever.
~~Feel like a good human being.~~
Adopt a kid/ sponsor kid's education.
~~Be financially independent.~~
Watch the launch of the space shuttle.
~~Tell someone the story of my life, sparing no details.~~
~~Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home (just once).~~
~~Shower in a waterfall.~~
Spend New Year's in an exotic location.
~~Get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it, instead of just thinking about it.~~
Write my will.
Buy my own house and then spend time making it into exactly what I want.
Bomb North India.

The Joys of Motherhood-1

2008-08-29T05:24:00.001-07:00

I wake up again at 6 am recollecting I slept only at 3 am and feeling this extreme urge to pee. But my throat feels dry at the same time. Do I drink water first or do I pee first? Decisions decisions. So I get out of bed, feeling the hangover. Only this time I did not drink the previous night. In fact, I stopped drinking a few months back. As I rush to the loo, I feel a slight twitch in my tummy. The baby wants me to pee as well! That’s a sign! So I suppress my primary desire to quench my thirst. As my day goes by, I don’t feel like eating although I am starving. But I think to myself that the baby needs the food so I try to eat . An hour later, I throw up. This is followed by a queasy, nauseating feeling in my tummy which spreads thru my body and slowly graduates to my head to give me a headache. “Pri, take a damn pill” you might say. But guess what? I can’t take any. It’s not good for the baby. What is worse is when someone says “It’s all psychological.” Now that definitely angers me. It’s like telling the symptoms of AIDS is psychological! OR maybe it’s not. Why would any self-loving woman “want” to throw up and feel shitty thru the day? And that too for something as wonderful as a baby. Nature in the form of hormones is cruel, I say. I have always imagined being exhilarated throughout my pregnancy. But as of now, I am pretty much incapable of such an emotion as most of energy is being spent in either rushing to the loo or feeling nauseated and extremely fatigued.
Despite all this, when I get home, and touch my tummy and feel the baby’s heartbeat it makes it all worthwhile. All the throwing up, nausea, urge to pee every 20 minutes, giving up alcohol, sleepless nights to mention a few. Although I am bitching about my symptoms, I get a little paranoid if I don’t go thru any of those even for a day. The baby has a heart now, it also has a tongue and tiny limbs!
Yes, all my posts till the baby’s birth and after will be about my pregnancy and the baby. So I apologize in advance if it sounds “gross” or “boring”.

Passion of the mellu

2008-06-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

Ok! So I logged onto Blogger now and this is what it said : تسجيل الدخول باستخدام حساب Google . Yes, the middle east syndrome. When one of my friends told me thats howits gonna be I thought he was fooling around but I kid you not, I had to type my password first and then the login id. Besides this technological cultural shock, I think I am ok! I didn't feel too out of place here when I started looking around, nor did I have an upset stomach for a week. So far so good.

The irony is that I feel like an outsider with my "family". Don't quiet get the languae the talk in ( Malayalam), don't get their jokes ( the fake laugh for a long time hurts my cheek bones :P) and their religious practices. I was baptized 2 days back; not like it matters to me but the whole event kinda cheesed me off. For one, I had the behave the way they wanted me to ( Kinda spoilt that way :D) and the church dude "crossed" my forehead with oil. Oh and thats not it. He dipped my hair which I had just ironed in a mini tub of water in which he "mixed" oil :-/ Little did I know that the worst part was the next day, my first communion. 3 hours of aramic + mlayalam chants/hymns etc. In a nutshell, 3 hours of my life I will never get back but would do anything to. Through these hours I clung on to the hope of having brad and a spoonful of wine and guess the hell what? The dude gave ne tiny portions of pretentious bread and GRAPE JUICE. I am sure Christ was a lot more alcoholic than that! I am getting married in the church today and no, I do not get to wear a dress.

The place is awesome though. Went around the city for a bit and checked out all the malls. We are for sure thinking of moving here provided I don't have to interact with "the people" too frequently. Also, Pepsi and Coke taste better than in India,as do ALL the other food stuff :P I have to get ready for my second wedding now and of course the fake smile during the reception. Yaay! The joy!

Some come and go but some stay...

2008-06-04T02:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we think people around us totally understand us and accept us for who we are and at other times we feel there are not too many of our kind around and that no one will ever get us. Our brain is oh-so-complex and as humans we have an instinct to complicate our lives beyond recognition.

I have had “friends” who come and go. Some of them realize they don’t get me instantly and leave, some stay and try for a long time to get me and leave when they give up. The former are the ones that don’t cause considerable hurt and bitter feelings. The latter however is a very different category altogether. I can safely say that when anyone becomes my friend, I give my 100% and beyond. To me, friends are family.

I have made mistakes in the past with friends and learnt from it. But when people say they have tried to understand me and are leaving me cuz they failed to do so, I feel pretty lousy not cuz they left but cuz I misjudged them. I probably thought they would stick by me and that they get me because that’s what they portray which is obviously deceptive. This might be a very hasty conclusion but I have a few friends in my head who I know will stick by me and I don’t plan on trusting anyone else till I probably gain back that faith that I lost when a “friend” walked away.

Seriously though, who is a friend? Is it someone who will stick by you no matter what? Will he/she point out where you went wrong and stick by you anyway? Or is it someone who will leave you the second they want to? The friends I think will stick by me are:

“A”- We talk about everything and understand each other to a great extent and have been friends for a very long time. He almost let go of me (I am a very let-goable person) but I had faith in our friendship and we are doing good.

“B”- She is a bitch. But I can’t do without her. She calls me fat. She is late for every appointment but I adore her for the way she accepts me for who I am. She has stuck by me thru my toughest of times and has been my pillar of strength. I can comfortably say that there is no end to our friendship.

“C”- We have been thru similar times and empathize with each other because of that. We have long endless philosophical conversations. He confides in me a great deal and I respect that. There are some disconnects in our relationship but I try to ignore them. All in all, a great friend.

“D”- Ah well, we probably talk once a month or lesser but I know she is out there and I can count on her anytime and vice versa. Someone who doesn’t seem emotional but gets me inside out.

And then I think about the person who walked out on me. Lol, shame on me! I am proud of who I have become and of the kind of people I associate with. They are no saints, but hey who doesn’t have their share of flaws? I have funnily noticed that people who call other people “mere mortals” and so much below mere mortals themselves. In psychology, I have read that “superiority complex” does not exist. A person exhibits his inferiority complex thru “superior” statements. That’s a topic for another day!

I have finally looked at someone leaving me as learning about myself and others. I am growing slowly yet steadily! And I have these people who walked out on me to thank for :)

I feel like a cliche.

2008-04-30T04:24:00.000-07:00

One of my characteristics that one person I knew a while back didnt quite like was that I was "cliched" in a relationship. I used to feel inadequate for my lack of "orginality". I tried my best to say/ do things differenly so that I am not termed "the usual". When I wanted to gift something, I made a pizza clock, I wrote his name with capacitors on a circuit board..the list goes on.

Now when I think about, it all looks pretty ..umm..stupid ( for want of a better word). Yes, I meant it when I did all of it but I would have done it all differently if I didn't feel pressurized to be different. I feel that when something is said/done genuinely, the feeling of "cliche" should not exist. An expression is overused or said to be a cliche only cuz it is easy to understand and convey and is appreciated and evokes positive response, in the first place.

When a man proposes with ring in the cake, it is a cliche BUT it doesnt make it any less special for the woman, if she says yes,i.e.On the other hand, if she considers it "cliche" she is looking past the intention putforth and is looking at the whole situation rather superficially.

I can't look outside me for faith or hope.
I don't trust people too easily although I befriend them very easily.
I seldom run out of topics to talk about.
I can love unconditionally.
I can stay mad at someone only for a very short while.
I love shots of vodka with salt on the rim.
I like Red.
I like pictures.
I cry when I watch movies.
I cry when I think about the past.
I smile when I see my husband as soon as I get up.
I am not a morning person despite which the above happens.
I hate travelling.
I am a shoppaholic.
I feel fat.
I like mind-fuck movies.
I don't like some smells and places associated with the past.
I would love to be Simon from American Idol for a day.
I loathe Japanese food.
I remember ALL my dreams.
I can't dance.
I am sarcastic.
My passion is psychology.
My dream is to be the best wife and mother.
My greatest fear is separation from loved ones and old age.
I don't want to learn to drive a car.
I don't want to know the capitals of all countries.
I don't ever want to learn mathematics.
Everything about me is cliched and I am proud of it.

3 AM in Singapore

2008-04-22T00:08:00.000-07:00

She came into the room like a candle burning with a cold, clear flame. Her hair was a burnished shade of black that was too dark to cast back any ruddy highlights, but it still did anyway. Her eyes were dark, clear, her complexion flawlessly smooth and elegantly graced with minimal cosmetics. She was not a tall woman, but shapely, wearing a black dress with a plunging neckline and a walk that would put a feline’s grace to shame. Her three hundred dollar shoes were a study in high-heeled torture devices. She truly looked too good to be true…

“This is an unexpected pleasure” she said, voice rich and full. I rose when she entered the room, hoping for something intelligent and witty for a reply, but ultimately just thankful to even find my voice again, “Most pleasures are unexpected, but the pleasure undoubtedly is mine” I said, and then cursed myself for sounding like a melodramatic fool. But that’s the nature of meeting something so lovely, you want to express so much and its so hard to rein it in sometimes, is it not? One quick fact about me while I’m “expressing” so much about myself, I always try to find the good in life and more often then not the good things in life are quite hard to find, and here I am breathing the same air as this genuinely lovely individual so you will have to forgive me if I seem a tad bit over enthusiastic about this girl.

She laughed, lips shaping the sounds, head falling back just enough to show a flash of that amber-brown throat. “It is a charmingly passé thing to be a gentleman in these times” she said. All I can think of was how one can not be in the presence of something so breathtaking. “You and I are of another world” I said...and then our eyes locked. I didn’t flinch. I met her bottomless gaze and quirked my mouth up in a little smile, as though I had something more, to pull out of my soul if she wanted to go there. I saw her passion, her rage, her caring, her anger, her tenderness, her spontaneity, her brilliance, and for just a moment I got a peek inside, saw the source of it. She was furiously pissed off and overwhelmingly pleased that I had seen her true form, horrified and exalted that I had stripped her disguise away and seen the person beneath. And she was afraid that I could take away her defenses, forever, with my power. Little did she know she could do the same to me, or more likely she knew she exactly could do the same to me.

They say that the eyes are the portals to the soul of a person, and I as gazed into her eyes, it felt like a thousand cool soft satin sheets were being pulled all over my very being, a man can get lost in those eyes. Black, bottomless eyes started at me through the burning fire of my faith. I could feel some sort of power there, trying to get at me and held off by the force of my will, and trust me it took every ounce of will not to let myself sink into those eyes, I can only hope I am not flattering myself when I think that she was doing the same herself…

- Anonymous

Conversations with Pri-I

2008-04-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

The human brain is faster than a calculator is when it comes to “calculating” situations. When we are in a situation, the human mind computes rapidly, without even the process being a conscious one. The end result of these micro mini processes are called “choices”. The choices that we make lead to sub choices that in turn lead to other choices and so on. At every point in a day we make hundreds of choices starting from something as trivial as whether to have a bath or not to whether or not to divorce your spouse. This primary choice has an effect on the choices you have in the next level.

Choices can be broadly categorized under 2 types :

1. Rational- This is the most “wise” type of choice. A situation is presented to you and you take some time off and think about it back and forth. “Wise” here is a relative term that essentially means that you will benefit from this choice (materialistically, emotionally or spiritually) and doesn’t have a negative impact on you, directly/ indirectly. For eg: a realtor shows you the best house for the best price in a great place with a friendly neighbourhood. A rational choice maker would tell him he d get back to the realtor and would go home and research about the house, weigh his options, look at the pros and cons and then decide accordingly. A rational thinker is seen to have a set of principles he will NEVER give up.

2. Instinctive- These choices are otherwise known as “Impulsive” choices. People who make these kind of choices act quickly from which they may or may not benefit. Besides, this type of choice has the highest risk of negative impact, which can be long term. For eg: A friend forces you to do drugs. In one of your vulnerable situations, you give in. An instinctive choice maker is likely to repeat his actions. They tend to have a flexible set of principles and tend you “rationalize” their actions by going around their principles. They also think short term.

In psychology, it is said that the choices that an individual makes is based on how their Id, Ego and Super ego work.

• Id is that part of the consciousness that is animalistic. The individual whose id takes over is highly impulsive and “irrational”. For eg: If a boy wants a toy and his parents don’t get it for him, he might go to the extent of stealing money to buy it.
• Superego is that part of the consciousness that is highly principled. It fears being judged by the society and has strict boundaries. For eg: If an individual wants to smoke but sub consciously fears being judged, he might go to the extent of putting up “No smoking” posters to prove to the outside world that he is a “good” individual.
• Ego controls the dynamics of Id and super ego, so to say. It helps one decide make a “socially moral” decision. If Id takes over and gives in in a situation, Ego punishes it with feelings of guilt.

I guess what I m trying to say is, don’t be a dumbass and make choices that will hurt you in the long run.

So much to say..so little time.

2008-03-27T00:03:00.000-07:00

Life has changed a great deal. I have always pictured myself getting here sooner or later but I didn't foresee a few deals that come with the package called "Happiness". For one, I always assumed that I will be in touch with all my frinds. I am, right now but not the way I have wanted it to be. Friend#1 has issues with internet and is seldom online, ISD calls coast a bomb so no contact. Friend#2 is a stupid fucking assistant director of some bollywood movie and is shooting in Kashmir. I am unable to track down her number cuz I lost my phone. Friend#3 and I meet up when I go to Chennai but then again its not the same withought the whole gang. Friend#4 has reviews all the fucking time and is chasing deadlines so whatever. Friend #5 works for TCS. Period. There ends her social life or even a semblence of one.

People somehow tend to assume that married people have major responsibilities and hence become boring. Well, guess what? That is somehow not true in my case. Life in fact is simpler emotionally. You start looking at things differently ( matured would be too strong a word to use here). More than that, people start looking at you differently which is both good and bad. When I go back home, grama gives me a nudge and a you-know-what-i-am-talking-about smile follwed by "Sooo, any good news aaa?" What the hell? I have been married for 3 months now! Oh and what makes it worse, my friends ask me that! Yes, I love being a mom and all. But C maaaaan!

The change that I see in myself shocks me at times. I am not the extremely outgooing person anymore. I like keeping to myself a lot , mostly thinking about what the hell do I make for dinner :P The past that I talk about all the time is mostly a haze expect for a few episodes which will probably be etched in my head forever. Some judgements that certain people have made about me seem to have an impact on me , subconsciously. For eg: When I am in a situation, something someone said in the past flashes in my head so unnecessarily and holds me back from anythng I was about to say /do. Well, I am unable to decide whether it is a good thing or a bad one. Whatever it is, I m hoping it will pass like all the other unfortunate things did.

Sometimes I wish I could erase chunks of my memory. Where there is a ~~will~~ vodka shot there is way :D

I have been Taken Over :(

2008-03-05T03:28:00.000-08:00

It had to come to this someday. I have been with gamers for a very long time now and it's time I succumbed, and I did. I give up. I love it. I love every bit of gaming. I have bitched endlessly about how gaming has ruined my relationships. But you know what? Maybe it hasn't.

Ok, so this is how it all started. I got my husband a PSP for Valentine's Day. I didn't know squat about it when I bought it except that it is something a gamer would love to have. I picked up a random game called "The Takeover" (Street Fighting). He was obvioisly thrilled to have it but he was a lil skeptical about starting to play cuz he feared getting addicted. Little did he know. I enjoyed the first game cuz I beat the shit out of "Xibit". Just when I thought its getting over board I could buy players! So I bought Carmen Electra and some other women. Now I can't wait to get a memory stick to upgrade my game! Damnit Damnit ! Now, my husband is getting me to play Counter Strike. Sigh...And I can't even say No.

INDIA AWAKENING!

2008-01-20T23:12:00.001-08:00

So there was this news that flashed all over the TV and newspapers for nearly a week after new years. A very unfortunate event in Mumbai wherein 2 women were molested by a mob of 70 men! Below is NDTV’s article on the same:
Mumbai ashamed, two girls molested

NDTV Correspondent

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 (Mumbai)

The shocking pictures of two young women being molested by a mob of 70 to 80 men at Mumbai's Juhu area in the early hours of New Year's Day, has ashamed the city.

The women, one in a black dress and the other in a jeans and top emerged from the JW Marriott with two male friends around 1:45 am, and began walking towards Juhu beach close by.

A mob of about 40 got after them and began teasing the women when one of the women swore loudly at the hooligans. But the mob, now 70-80 strong, wouldn't let go.

They trapped the women near a vehicle and a tree, and pounced on them. A man in a white shirt tore off the black dress. Another, in a blue shirt, led the assault.

As the women fell on the ground, dozens of men jumped on them.

These pictures were taken by two Hindustan Times lensmen, who alerted the police. The HT photographers claimed that the police didn't summon them, but they went and recorded statements as witnesses.

Archana Tyagi, Additional Commissioner of Police, Mumbai said, ''I have seen reports today in Hindustan Times. We will certainly take action. HT didn't show me the pictures yesterday. It happened on 31st night. I got in touch with the girls, they are not from Mumbai and not in Mumbai. We will take action as soon as possible.''

The police said that they will register a suo moto complaint on the case.

Meanwhile, Mumbai's top cop, Commissioner D N Jadhav feels that the incident is being blown out of proportion and that the police did whatever they could to rescue the girls. The commissioner also said that molestation can happen anywhere.

The state's Deputy Chief Minister R R Patil made a statement saying, that the police chief's reaction was inappropriate and that the government was taking the matter seriously.

There is strong reaction from the people on the incident. ''Mumbai is heading towards being the Delhi jungle, where women are attacked every hour. Even if there is no complaint from the girls, police should take action immediately. I am ashamed to live in a city, where there is disrespect all around,'' said adman Alyque Padamse.

''Women in Mumbai are not safe. We have always been asking for an increase in women police force because Mumbai is so crowded and so many people are coming from various places, I think security should be beefed up,'' said Dr Shubha Raul, Mumbai Mayor.

Exactly a year ago in the otherwise known to be safe city, a girl was molested by New Year Eve revellers at the Gateway of India.

Marriott distances itself

The hotel J W Marriott, which the two women had reportedly just left before being attacked by the mob, has distanced itself from the incident.

In a statement the hotel strongly objected to being dragged into the controversy and asserted that the incident did not take place outside the hotel, but closer to a school further down the road.

In fact the hotel added that an assistant commissioner of police was at the hotel along with the staff supervising.

The statement said, ''Whilst we understand that Mariott Mumbai is one of the most important landmarks in the vicinity we strongly disapprove the loose mention of our hotel in this very unfortunate incident.''

Defending its own arrangements the hotel said it had tripled its security for New Years Eve and advised its guests to stay off the streets.

Now, I sat back reading the news, hearing people talk about it in various emotions like anger, fear, sadness, shame etc. and I felt the exact same way when I heard of this for the first time. A little while later, I thought WHY? Why does this happen in India? Generally when I have questions in my head, I initially seek for answers from outside like, in this case, talking to people or watching debates on this issue on the TV. Some people said women should not be allowed to go out that late and if they do, they should ne ready for this kind of an event to occur. Other feminists thought these men should be executed for disrespecting women. But I did not see anyone talking about WHY it happens.

My husband and I were talking about it when he told me about the “aquarium” system in Singapore wherein women are displayed behind glass doors and men can “pick” the one they want and release their sexual energy in a healthy way (as opposed to molesting women). These women (Commercial Sex Workers) are paid by the hour and get a medical test once in every 15 days. This system is legal in Singapore and every woman in this profession carries a license. The following are the stats of Rape in Singapore in 2007:

Crimes against persons registered 4,084 cases in 2007, compared to the 4,103 cases in 2006. This category refers to crimes where the victim is an individual and suffers bodily harm as a result of the crime. It includes offences such as murder, rioting, rape and outrage of modesty among others. There were 18 murders in 2007, compared to 17 in 2006, all of which were isolated and unrelated. All, except one, were solved. Excluding statutory rape cases, rape fell from 80 in 2006 to 72 in 2007.

Yes, Singapore’s population is way lesser than India’s but I honestly feel that Indian men are denied of a socially acceptable sexual vent which leads to such traumatic incidents. In the frigging land of Kamasutra where most of the Hindu Gods practice polygamy and the pillars in numerous temples have sculptures of people doing it doggy style, Sex is taboo! Wow, now THAT is hypocrisy. As a kid, I wasn’t told about the “good touch” and the “bad touch” is. Was I affected by that? Yes. I was 7 when I asked my mom how babies are born and she said they are “gifted” by God. It’s truly amazing how our folks come up with innovative ways to make babies. The best one however was when my friend’s mom told her that babies are made out of clay by God and the lack of any body part is because he runs out of clay. Why is so hard for parents to educate their children about sex?

Coming back to the Mumbai incident, the commissioner stated that the issue is being blown out of proportion. Yes, it was made a big deal one of the reasons being the men who were involved were not behind bars. One they were caught, the issue faded away from TV and newspapers. When someone as powerful as the commissioner exhibits such a callous attitude and says things like this happen all over the place, what message does that give out to molesters and rapists? That it is ok to do it because it happens everywhere? That molestation is not that big a deal? Exactly a year ago, a woman in her mid 20s decides to usher into the New Year by going to a party and pays the price by getting molested by a mob in spite of police presence and in full public view; she yells and screams for help as a few perverted men tear her dress below the waist. Even her companion at the party – a young man of almost same age – is unable to help her when in the course of being pulled and pushed, the woman falls down and the perverts get another chance to outrage her modesty for nearly ten minutes.
For all those who blame the victim saying she was inappropriately dressed (read scantly dressed) and therefore invited lecherous men to molest her, cameraman Shadab also captured another incident of molestation –a saree-clad woman, at the same venue, and almost the same time getting molested by a small mob of men. She was comparatively lucky to have gotten help and move out before anything untoward could happen to her.

I know for sure that I would not like my kids to grow up in India. India is rich in its culture blah blah but where did basic human values disappear?

Shame India!

Happyness is mine !

2008-01-17T03:38:00.000-08:00

Ah! So much to write so lil time. This post is going to be about the year that was but I am sure as hell it will turn random somewhere in between.

I thought the year started out pretty good, but hey! that was completely untrue cuz of my oh-so-poor judgement about men..AGAIN. But this time, for a change I didn't sulk around for too long. The sooner you realize what a bastard he is the sooner you feel better. But I still couldn't get over that one guy. I hadn't spoken to him since Nov'06 but I heard about him now and then. Thousands of "What if" s in my head, stupid bitch that I am. Sometimes, I d slip into that world that belonged to him and I and not want to get back to "reality". At the same time, I d be aware of the fact that he was the result of many many wrong choices I made back then. Then what was it that didn't let me "move on?" Did he love me? No. Did he spite me? Yes (I deserved it, I thought). At one point, my delusion hit me real hard; when the whole world asked me to forget him while I was doing just about the opposite. There have been many times when I have said goodbye to him. Sometimes, to his face, sometimes to myself. A few goodbye s later it all became meaningless. So whenever I d have the urge to forget him, I didn't say goodbye. Instead, i gave it time because from the pattern, I knew I d think about him again. And again. And again. So I let it be. I stopped forcing myself. Then, I noticed that it was all under control- my overwhelming feelings for him, the sadness, the rationalization...everything. It still didn't go away.

I met a few more new people. The more people I meet the more I realized I was being bleedingly stupid being hung up on someone who never loved me. Then again, there is a thin line between between realizing something and implimenting it. I was proud of myself though, I thought about him less, cried less. It was all getting better. Sometimes, I would have dreams of him and feel like I ate shit all day. but overall,I knew I had made my peace with the whole situation and when I looked outside, there was so much waiting for me, welcoming me with arms wide open.

One fine day, Jobi walked into my life with no warnings of a happier life whatsoever. In the beginning, I was scared like I always am. I need to know where things are heading, if I don't I panic. And then...well, its an ugly cycle we don't wanna get into! Before I get into the whole story, I would like to clear my take on cliches. I dont believe cliché is a negative thing. If something is cliched it means thats what majority of the people agree on, be it an action or a word. So if I am cliched in any way, I believe I am close to being normal. So those who think clichés are for losers, stop right here and google "I suck" :P

Coming back to my best half, well where do I even begin? When it started off, it was all the same. The same rush, the same night long talks. Only this was really night long cuz of the damn time difference. It was that time when I realized what I really deserved. Jobi was sensitive, kind, forgiving and patient, most of all! I am a very difficult person to be with, with my mood swings and internal conflicts about stuff that seems trivial to me at the moment. He is the ONLY person who has ever put up with my grampa s talks for over an hour straight. Ouch! Now that is true patience! So we kept in touch over phone and the internet. Days seemed very long and it felt like they crawled by very slowly like they don’t give a fuck about what I m feeling! Jobi was supposed to come down in August. I could hardly wait to see him. I knew deep down inside that I could never give myself to anyone the way I had the previous time. People say “Life goes on.” It does but not the same way.

One day in July, Jobi told me he was going for a conference in Dubai and that he wouldn’t be online. I missed him terribly these 2 days. One of the days, his brother called me and told me he had received a package from Jobi and that he wanted to give it to me. I got back home from a long tiring day at my damn job and headed towards the place where Jobi’s brother and I planned to meet. I had never seen his brother before. So I opened the door of the coffee house and looked for him only to find Jobi trying to hide his face with the menu card. How did I react? I don’t remember but for the next few hours I didn’t say a word that made sense as though I was elegantly wasted. The rest is history. Telling our folks about us, getting a job in a different city, his folks “disowning” him and of course, the wedding.The wedding will be a different post by itself. As of now, I am happy with my life and with the choices I have made in the recent past. Even though I know no one can EVER love me the way Jobi does, there are times when I feel terribly low mostly during PM-fucking-S. But when I go to bed, I smile.

Superhuman?

2007-11-29T03:45:00.000-08:00

I normally don't like writing posts on any single person although most of my blogs are people related and more often than not they are based on experiences with a particular person.

Off late, I have been meeting people from the "other side" of humanity. So far, I saw men who could love (or something like that), hate, game, eat, game, hate, eat... Then I met Raghu, who is way up there in the homo sapien scale. Besides being extremely intelligent and kind, he is extremely loving and forgiving. Yes, there are many people like him but not anywhere close to how intense and passionate he is about life and what he does. What does he do besides being a wonderful human being? He owns a firm, runs it ALL by himself. A part of which includes making nuts, packaging and the works. You can imagine how many nut jokes from me he faces everyday! To make my work easier, the nuts come in flavours like "herb n cheese" and "hot n spicy" :D

Jokes apart, I won't be wrong if I called him the perfect human being. Well, he can't sing for "nuts" if that counts :) I only wish I had met him earlier; MANY wrong decisions in my life could have been avoided. I am very glad he is a part of my life now and I hope this nutty affair continues for eons.

Cheers bro! You TOTALLY rock.

Peace out ;-)

..l..

2007-10-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

I m getting married! I m getting married! Boy oh boy am I thrilled! BUT we have been facing MANY obstacles the past few months. Most of it is cuz I belong to the Brahmin Community which is the "highest" caste in the caste system of Hindu society which apparently is the biggest deal in the face of humanity. My fiancee is a Christian and well, his folks decided not to be a part of the wedding or our lives, for that matter.

The step we ( my fiancee and I) have taken is a pretty bold one considering how frikkin anal the society we live in is about caste and religion. My granpa is still not too happy about the wedding. He rubs in it everyday, slowly, hoping it would cut thru my skin like a blunt knife. He says " Didn't you find a Brahmin boy? Or a Hindu for that matter? You have embarrased us a great deal. No one has EVER done that in our family." This is when I am thinking, lets take one point of his at a time :

a) I might have found a Brahmin boy but he will NEVER find me :P. Seeing the way the men in my "brahmin" family treat the women, no thanks. Really. I can't wait for my husband to come home from work while I either don't go to work or come home early and cook. Just when I start to think "AAAh, I can eat the food I made", PSYCHE! I can't. I have to wait for him to come home and I have to wait for him to finish his dinner while I serve him. And if he is especially very hungry that day, I might just have no food left to feed my poor tummy.
b) Embarrased? You? I think not. My family is a walking embarrasment. I don't want to get into details on that one, my mom reads this shit. Take my word for it.
c) And it's not even true that no one has done that in our family. My first cousin married a christian, a few months back!! I know grampa has serious memory issues but this...!!

I also think,I dare not say these things out loud for his doc has asked me not to "provoke" him, he might go breathless and then the works. So, I shut up thinking I won't blog any of this, I only have to hear this for a few more months till I get married and leave. Just then, today he tells me the priest who is to conduct our wedding ceremony came home and was evidently "disappointed" I did this and that my family has to feed 4 brahmin boys a few days before the wedding as a sign of shame and asking our ancestors to forgive us. THAT DID IT! AAAAARGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

But guess what? I am still extremely thrilled about my wedding, about spending the rest of my life with the guy I love with all my heart. But yeah ..l.. to those who think like my grampa( I still love him n all).

Lunch Box...

2007-09-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

I take lunch sometimes from home and I travel by an autorickshaw. Yesterday, I picked up my lunch box which I remmeber vividly had toast in it but when I landed at work, I see the lunch pack is not with me. I recollect I left it in the autorickshaw so I order lunch from a nearby hotel. I get back home in the evening and tell my Grama and mom that I left the box in the auto for which I got yelled at, a lil. Apparently, its my grama s favourite box. Wtf!

This morning I see the lunch box on my dining table. Apparently, I didn't take it to work at all yesterday. But in my head, when I found the box missing when I got to work, I strongly believed I left it back in the Auto. Infact, I remembered vividly taking it from home which I did not. Now why I am talking about this is cuz in my past relationships I have faced similar memory issues. I believe things that I WANT to as FACTS. And they are as real to me as sun rising in the East. And you can imagine the amount of chaos it must have caused in the life of people involved and my head, of course. Because, when people told me that the opposite of what I told them was the truth, it made me feel ummm.. ill. After which, I tried with all my heart and sole to imbibe the facts around me as they are and it seemed to be working out just fine until yesterday's incident happened. Bummer!

Cruel Intentions...

2007-08-28T01:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. A said “The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.”That is clearly not my belief. Mr. B said “Our intention creates our reality.”Now that, I strongly believe in. This works wonders when you are kind of person who cares only about yourself and your intentions. What if you are like me? What if the people you love accuse you eventhough yours intentions were good cuz it came off all messed up? My intentions are my reality. They are what I am made up of and I am an awesome person.

People make mistakes. Many at that. Who is to say what their intention was? Is it always that they think bad hence act that way? Well, it is easier for people to believe it and exhibit anger and animosity. But not for a moment do people pause and think "What if he didn't 'mean' it that way?" I am not saying that EVERY "bad" action has a "good" intention. I am saying, there could be a possibility which needs to be explored. Lets take, for example what Mr. B said. In the case of a schizophrenic, he might beat up his wife because in his "reality" she is plotting against him. His intention is to save himself. Is that a bad intention that leads to a bad act? Fine, ok you are probably thinking "There she goes..talking about schizophrenia again." Try to apply it to "normalcy" as well.

Also, another interesting observation about intentions is that sometimes when good intentions are conveyed the good way, people don't get it. They either see through it or take advantage of it. When a good intention is portrayed in a bad way (i.e., the person exhibiting the intention being an asshole), it works wonders. The other party is bound to hate the person but then, the end result is achieved. For example,
when two people break up but person 1 does not let go.It could be because of what he/she feels for person 2 and/or because person 2 is not being an asshole. Now person 2's intention is for person 1 to move on and be happy. In order to do that person 2 is forced to be a dick. And how does the world percieve this situation? "Oh that person 2 is such a bastard."

How important are intentions really? How do they change lives? Is it solely the actions that matter?

My friend and I were talking about this little "theory". He says:

"According to this theory, for a person to act upon their good intentions in life, they need to portray themselves as either a bastard or a whore. This theory works very similar to the theory “Utilitarianism”.

It occurred to me that people have always called me a bastard, even though I do so much for them. It then dawned upon me that though my intentions were always true and for the greater good, I always had to perform deeds which “normal” society would deem as “evil”. Even thought the final outcome brings happiness to the other party, there is no gratitude for my actions as I was the “bastard” I the whole series of events.

Take for example the simple case of giving money to a beggar, by this I mean a beggar who is completely capable of work and physical activities. By being a “bastard” and not giving him alms, society titles me as a person with no feelings for the needy. My intention was purely to help the bum. By giving him alms I am just making him lazy and thus preventing him from achieving his true potential. By not giving him alms, he is now forced to make a living and hence realize his true talent / potential. But does society recognize this?

Another example, I used to be in the scouts in school. We were taught to always “Be Prepared”. Now comes the time in life when I carry all the necessary tools I require to complete my task. There comes this person ‘X’ who is purely lethargic to bring their own tools and asks for a loan of my tools. Now I’m a giving person so I don’t mind helping out now and then. Its then I come to realize that this person is following this same process everyday and in the bargain because we are both sharing the same tool; our time is being lost for to complete our work. I realize that for both of us to work with maximum efficiency we both need to bring our own tools. Hence I decide to stop loans my tools to ‘X’. Et Voila! I’m the bastard again!! I’m criticized for not being a generous person and that I can’t help my fellow colleagues.

Hence I feel that for one to be a good person, and have “good intentions”, one HAS to be "evil". Similarly if ones intentions are wrong then all they need to be is a sweetheart. This is how messed up this world is!! "

Thus let me live,unseen,unknown...

2007-08-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

I organized a workshop that spoke about Reporting in CSR (Corporate Social Respponsibility). I agree it looks like latin to most of you. No, you are not dumb. I ll tell you what it is. Basically, CSR is a concept which is evolving at a very fast rate. It involves organizations giving something back to the society. At work, I identify the needs of the society and pesent it to these firms. They decide how they can be of help and believe me, even THAT has a selfish motive. Why am I working here? I need the cash right now. I hate to admit it, but its true.
So yesterday's workshop was about how to report the CSR initiatives so that the firms can benifit from it. This is something I fail to fathom. You are doing something for the society as your duty as a human being. Why expect recognition or anything in return, for that matter? Be santa. Give stuff to those who deserve it and vanish.

This one day workshop was held in the premises of a very well known company, with really good food. The whole day was spent in analysing how one can report their CSR activities using GRI G3. When I was having lunch today at work, I thought "Why are people this way? We run around, working all day to make cash. But why?" To lead a "comfortable" life? Perhaps. To save up for our future generation? Maybe. But does our lifestyle make an impact in the people we are from within? Does it give us time to think about what we really want? Does it give us the time we need with our loved ones?

As I sit here at work and type this out, I think how I am not helping people who are dying of hunger. I am thinking I want to be with my fiance instead of sitting all day, making selfish plans for companies. Why am I not sitting with my grandad who has been admitted in the hospital? We sadly live in a world which goes around because of moolah. We are forced to change our priorities. I guess all this is hitting me hard, now that I have been working for a while; making cash, spending it, making some more. I am tired of this already. I want to be doing what I REALLY feel like doing.

Was there ever a time when people were given top priority? when love healed all? I hope there was.

“I don't want to live. I want to love first, and live incidentally.”

~ Zelda Fitzgerald

He loved, he was killed...

2007-07-31T02:28:00.000-07:00

It is rather amusing the way people work when it comes to love.Love is all pervasive but at the same time is overrated in a very narrow sense. It is perceived as a romantic connection, in most cases. People have to be motivated to love. More often than not, they look for reinforcements. The so-called pure feeling is adultrated by negative feelings like jealousy, greed, lust, anger etc.

When a person learns to love genuinely, he is more open and vulnerable. The society takes advantage of this. To avoid this from happening,he builds a hard exterior. He forgets to love. He forgets to live.

I have loved, I have lived, I was battered. But I still love, I still live. And there is no better feeling than to love. Even if the person you feel it towards doesn't know or is not with you, the feeling makes you feel like a human being, at the end of the day. You feel at ease with yourself.

As clicheed as this may seem, feel love, for yourself and for others. If you feel you are incapable of feeling this way, look within. You will find the answers.

I came across a Hindi song called "In dino" from the movie "Life in a Metro"which was a movie with countless emotions. It depicted how complicated relationships get in a city life and how people deprive themselves of love for want of a greater feeling which is non-existant. The lyrics of the song are very touching and meaningful. I have translated it in English; might seem pretty cheesy, but you get the point :P

In dino, dil mera, mujhse hai keh raha , tu khaab
saja, tu ji le jara,

hai tujhe bhi izaazat, karle tu bhi muhabbat.

Berang si hai badi zindagi kuchh rang to bharoon,
main apani tanahaayi ke waaste ab kuchh toh karoon.

Jab mile thodi fursat, khudse karle muhabbat
hai tujhe bhi izaazat, karle tu bhi muhabbat

Usako chhupaakar main sabse kabhi le chaloon
kahin door…
aankhon ke pyaalon kse pita rahoon usake chehre ka noor.

Iss jamaane se chhupakar , puri karloon main
hasrat
hai tujhe bhi izaazat, karle tu bhi muhabbat.

In English :-S

These days my heart tells me to dream , to live a
little,
Even you have permission, even you can love.

Colorless is life let me fill it with some
colors,
Let me do something about this lonliness in my
life,

When you get a bit of time, love yourself a
little,
Even you have permission, even you can love.

Let me hide her from others and take her far
away,
With the pails of my eyes I was drinking from the
beauty of her face,

Let me hide myself from time and fulfill my
desires,
Even you have permission, even you can love.

Narcotics are a joke!!

2007-07-20T02:35:00.000-07:00

From what I have heard, being in love gets people high and weird. To me, its exactly like a weed trip. I have not really experienced it but I am saying this from what I have heard from dopeheads. I feel cozy and I smile to myself like a retard. I eat a lot. I laugh excessively. Everything basically slows down. Sigh..what a trip! Oh and boy is it addictive!

Here is something funny I read:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight . When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow.

I have been compulsively thinking what I want to write about and I ended up writing a "poem". This is pretty much how dopeheads write. I have no clue what the poem conveys. This week has been very eventful and too many things have been happening in too little time. Is that a good thing? Only time will tell. What I do know is that I am comfortable being happy. I am enjoying this feeling for it is far better than not being loved in return or him telling you that you have all the qualities that he hates in a person.I am surprised I survived all that. And I thank those people who have made me a stronger and a better human being. They have hurt me, cared for me, spited me, touched me. I loved them with all I had, lied to them, hurt them and I still love them. Wow, I am random today. Anyway, here is the poem.

Did he die for your sins? Did he pay the real price?
Did he feel the real pain? Did he plead and cry?
If he died for your sins, will you not sin again?
If he bled for your pleasures, what is it that you gain?
The cross eclipsed the sun, the day was dark,
Was that the end or the start? what did his suffering mark?
They still lie and hurt, when they take his name,
When he died, died humanity; as he took all the blame.

Yes, I need therapy.

I made you up....

2007-07-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
I think I made you up inside my head.

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
I think I made you up inside my head.

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
I think I made you up inside my head.

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I think I made you up inside my head."

- Sylvia Plath

And she found it...

2007-07-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

When I watch a chick flick (which I normally don't), I get pretty irritated. Why? Cuz I didn't believe those events actually happen. Girl, guy fall magically in love. Guy proposes. They live happily ever after. Not to forget, the mind-blowing first kiss. But you know what? They do happen. Life is not full of shit, actually. There is ALWAYS a reason why things happen. I know that sounds like a cheesy way to justify the shitty past BUT it is true. If you had a depressing heart break, there is a reason for it besides the fact that one of you fucked up real bad. And you will know the reason at some point in the future.

I did. I wondered for years together why things happen the way they do. And when something good happened, I d know its not for real, I d wait for things to go bad. That was the perpetual pattern of events. But now, it's all happening. For real. And I am happy. Very happy. This time, I am not going to let anything bring me down. NOTHING. I deserve this and I am going to enjoy every bit of it like cinderella or any other miserable girls from the chick flicks. Yaay!!

Happy(?) Birthday...

2007-06-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hey Bro,

I was going to leave a post on your blog but I decided not to. Happy birthday. I miss you. I used to think you are around, watching over me and shit. Do I think that now? I don't know. That feeling used to help me get thru the times I miss you. Now that I don't believe that...you know where I am going with this.

I just hope you are fine wherever you are. I miss your hugs, I miss you calling me "sis" hundred times a day, I miss all our pranks, I miss crying like a baby when I heard about your plans of moving to the US. Where the fuck did you move to now? I know you are nowhere close to me. Just give me the strength to carry on with life without you in it.

Heh. It's been a year and a half. I am mad, aren't I? You always knew that :)

I love you, Bro...