My Hero.
I called him “gundu” and at times “thatha”. I still call him that, only I hear no response. I get back from home after meeting a couple of my friends and there is something I‘d really like to share with him so I look for him as soon as I get back. And I see his picture framed on the wall. It hits me like a thunderbolt. He is gone. And will be forever.
A month back, thatha fell sick all of a sudden. He couldn’t believe he was sick so he tried his best to get off the bed but couldn’t. This lasted only for one day. I was sure it was one of the times; he would check in to the hospital and get right back…fit as a fiddle as he used to say. But he did not. He was rushed to the hospital at 2 am on 4th April. I knew he would be back in 2 days time or so. I didn’t even let my mind think “What if…” I called the hospital on 5th morning at 7 am and checked on him. They said he was getting better. “I knew it” I thought to myself. It is thatha, he can’t go.
My phone rang at 11:30 am. It was chitappa (thatha’s brother). He had gone to the hospital to visit him. I couldn’t leave the baby at home, I couldn’t take him either; he is too little. “Hi Chitappa, so how is thatha?” I asked. “Thatha passed away, Priya” I heard him say. Those words, that voice, that call I will never forget. Instantly, I looked at my baby and knew I had to be strong for him. So I choked back tears and told mom “Thatha is no more, ma”. She broke down, I still didn’t. Jobi had gone out to pick up decoration for baby’s party which was supposed to be held on the same day. I called him and told him what had happened. He came back home, I hugged him. A few tears and I was done. That moment, I blocked it out of my head. It is thatha, he can’t go.
Amma (Gramma) came back home from the hospital. I held her tight, not wanting to believe the intense sadness I was feeling, not wanting to know it was for thatha. Before I could break down, I ran back to my room and sat back thinking. Thinking of the days thatha and I had morning coffee together and went “Cheers” over a cup of filter kaapi. We would then read the newspaper together and talk about politics and take sides. Since he was in the Army, he never gives up in an argument which was always fun because I don’t either. We wouldn’t stop unless it was time for me to get dressed to leave to school/ college/ work. Yes, it happened for MANY years.
Over the years the scenario changed but I never really noticed it until now when I looked back in retrospect. During school we had our morning coffee everyday together, during college it 4 or 5 times a week as he would get up late sometimes. During work time, it was almost never but I hadn’t even noticed it! Why, I am not sure. I guess with time, it’s hard to notice some transitions. In the afternoons during school, he would wait for me to have lunch and would mix rice for me the way I love it. We would talk endlessly about my day at school and discuss physics. During college, he got a little tired and wouldn’t talk as much. When I went to work, I never saw him in the afternoons.
The nights though, never changed. I slept right next to him till the night before I got married. He would overhear my telephonic conversations and in order to get information out of me he would tell me about his “love story”. We never fell apart .Even if time changed and we didn’t have much time together like before, our bond remained and only grew stronger by the years. We had fights almost every day; we would talk it over and fight all over again. Sigh… if only I got back those years, those defining moments of my life. If only I could go back in time and hug him and tell him he means the world to me and he will always be my hero, my number one. Now I enter his room, I don’t see him trying to shut the windows to switch on the A/C or struggling to button his shirt or saying “Kondhai, can you get me a box of Pringles when you go out next? Any flavor would do but I like the potato one the best” I would get him two of those. I loved spoiling him. To me, after a point he was a child. A child who wanted hair gel, Pringles, Batteries, Cologne, Mach 3 Razors, the latest mobile phone. He was always very curious about the latest technology although he never quite got it.
For a month, I have bottled it all up. I remained oblivious to the fact that he is gone, that there will never ever be another thatha. But today, as I sit here trying to deal with his loss by writing this I realize there is no way I can possibly deal with it right now. Maybe over the years, maybe never. But for now, I have his countless undying memories and I have him very close to my heart. Like I was telling a friend “Legends never die.” And he is and will always be my legend, my guru, my everything.
Joys of Motherhood- II
Ah well, I should really blog more often. My second trimester was pretty enjoyable. I am almost full term now and it's getting a little uneasy. Especially with the events around the nation which anger me a great deal, I think I might just have the baby a little before its due. Jobi has been great all along. Cooking, taking care of me and cooking a lot more. Boy, can he cook! I have even started wearing his clothes now :/
Anyway, coming back to one of the events that has pissed me off. The Mangalore pub incident. The whole nation watched as women were dragged out of a lounge and beaten. Now, how come the media knew that would happen? Fine, they were there "co-incidentally" , why didn't they try to protect the girls? According to me, media is supposed to cover the events of the nation,yes but not in such a shameful manner wherein these women who needed to be protected weren't!
This post is supposed to be about my "joys" so yeah, I have been pampered A LOT. But I cannot wait to get done. My temper has been going a little off track and it is a consolation to know that it is normal during pregnancy. I don't know what to expect in the near future but I am sure as hell excited. I have been reading up a lot about labour but that doesn't make me any less nervous! And no, youtube videos, my friend, don't help either! Also, I found out that my doc doesn't let anyone in the room. The joy! I am trying to focus on the non-existant brighter side.
Ugh! I just want to be done with this. NOW.
Non-drunken rambings...
Since I cannot consume alcohol at this point in time, I am put in a situation at parties where I observe. And let me tell you, it's not as boring as it sounds. I'll tell you why. People who drink miss out on the chance to really look around. They tend to get a little to self-absorbed. After my last party, I paid attention to the various kinds of drunk personalities.
1. The sober drunk- This kind is pretty uncommon to find below the age of 25. These are the people who have "been there, done that". They know how to handle their drinks. Even after 20 pegs, they seem extremely sober in a social gathering. Although, one never knows what happens when they get home.
2. The philosophically drunk- As the name suggests, these people start their lines with "Have you ever wondered why..." or "Sometimes I feel like..." after their 2nd or 3rd drink. You know it will be a while before they shut up. Encounters of this kind, mostly end up in them either ending up in tears or well.. passing out.
3. The drunk extrovert- This is the kind who will go out of his way and socialize after a few drinks although he might or might not know what he is talking about. Mostly, its the latter. He seems overly confident about himself and his content of speech although he might slur.. a lot. They are loud and funny, not in ways they d want to be though.
4. The sexually drunk- Now this kind is found majorly between age groups 18- 23. These are the people who get extremely sexually uninhibited when drunk. They will "charge" on living or non-living objects after 4 or 5 drinks and claim they dont remember jackshit the next day :-/
5. The silent drunk- These are the people who get REALLY boring when drunk. They shut up and prefer to be left alone. My hypothesis is that they like to communicate with the voices in their heads when drunk because I refuse to believe that people can get that boring.
6. The self-obsessed drunk- Ok, now we have come across people who like to talk about themselves excessively when sober. These are the people who become the self-obsessed drunk. They still talk about themselves, only now they make sure EVERYONE in the room is paying close attention to them. If someone else tries to talk , they will get back to talking about themselves in about a minute. So yeah, the silent drunks are much better.
7. The plain weird drunk- These are not the kinds who will hit on you or stay in one corner of the room all by themselves. They are just plain weird when drunk. By weird I mean, repitative weird talks about the randomest stuff or doing the weirdest thing. I know I sound vague, but c'mon i m sure you have bumped into these kinds!
If you guys have anymore drunk personalities, please do add on. I am sure I will come across a lot more in the forthcoming parties as I have a good 2 years of sobriety. Woohoo!
To-Do
Yeah, I know it has been a while. You know it's not too easy to balance out a life that involves morning sickess, work, cooking and extreme fatigue. Again, everything paid off when we got to see the baby in the ultrasound. With the hands and legs and everything! Yeah ! It's human! And growing and stuff. While undergoing one of my "mood swing" phases, I was thinking about how much I have really "accomplished" in life.
So here is the list of the things I have done and the things I am yet to do.
Spend a whole night gazing at the starsLaugh till I fall off my chair.Cry till I fall off my chair.Get so wasted that I dont remember a thing the next day.
Be extremely sober around extremely wasted people.Hit it off with a girl.Fall in love hopelessly and unconditionally.Get so angry that I have wanted to stab someone repeatedly.See desert, ocean and snow on the same day.See clouds below me.Write a book.
Get a tattoo.Stop swearing for a few months at least.
Stop drinking.Stay up all night talking and fall asleep at 8 am.Finish ten masters degree.
Get married to the man of my dreams.Not be impulsive.
Start my own practice of counselling.
Try weed.Try Mushrooms.
Dress up like a pirate. See Grand Canyon during Sunset.
Have absolutely nothing on my mind.
Fall asleep thinking I wont wake up the next day.Feel really scared of losing someone.Appear on a hugeass Billboard.
Be a man for a day.
Send a message in a bottle.Ride a camel into the desert. Be the funnest mom ever.
Feel like a good human being.Adopt a kid/ sponsor kid's education.
Be financially independent.Watch the launch of the space shuttle.
Tell someone the story of my life, sparing no details. Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home (just once).Shower in a waterfall. Spend New Year's in an exotic location.
Get passionate about a cause and spend time helping it, instead of just thinking about it. Write my will.
Buy my own house and then spend time making it into exactly what I want.
Bomb North India.
The Joys of Motherhood-1
I wake up again at 6 am recollecting I slept only at 3 am and feeling this extreme urge to pee. But my throat feels dry at the same time. Do I drink water first or do I pee first? Decisions decisions. So I get out of bed, feeling the hangover. Only this time I did not drink the previous night. In fact, I stopped drinking a few months back. As I rush to the loo, I feel a slight twitch in my tummy. The baby wants me to pee as well! That’s a sign! So I suppress my primary desire to quench my thirst. As my day goes by, I don’t feel like eating although I am starving. But I think to myself that the baby needs the food so I try to eat . An hour later, I throw up. This is followed by a queasy, nauseating feeling in my tummy which spreads thru my body and slowly graduates to my head to give me a headache. “Pri, take a damn pill” you might say. But guess what? I can’t take any. It’s not good for the baby. What is worse is when someone says “It’s all psychological.” Now that definitely angers me. It’s like telling the symptoms of AIDS is psychological! OR maybe it’s not. Why would any self-loving woman “want” to throw up and feel shitty thru the day? And that too for something as wonderful as a baby. Nature in the form of hormones is cruel, I say. I have always imagined being exhilarated throughout my pregnancy. But as of now, I am pretty much incapable of such an emotion as most of energy is being spent in either rushing to the loo or feeling nauseated and extremely fatigued.
Despite all this, when I get home, and touch my tummy and feel the baby’s heartbeat it makes it all worthwhile. All the throwing up, nausea, urge to pee every 20 minutes, giving up alcohol, sleepless nights to mention a few. Although I am bitching about my symptoms, I get a little paranoid if I don’t go thru any of those even for a day. The baby has a heart now, it also has a tongue and tiny limbs!
Yes, all my posts till the baby’s birth and after will be about my pregnancy and the baby. So I apologize in advance if it sounds “gross” or “boring”.
Passion of the mellu
Ok! So I logged onto Blogger now and this is what it said : تسجيل الدخول باستخدام حساب Google . Yes, the middle east syndrome. When one of my friends told me thats howits gonna be I thought he was fooling around but I kid you not, I had to type my password first and then the login id. Besides this technological cultural shock, I think I am ok! I didn't feel too out of place here when I started looking around, nor did I have an upset stomach for a week. So far so good.
The irony is that I feel like an outsider with my "family". Don't quiet get the languae the talk in ( Malayalam), don't get their jokes ( the fake laugh for a long time hurts my cheek bones :P) and their religious practices. I was baptized 2 days back; not like it matters to me but the whole event kinda cheesed me off. For one, I had the behave the way they wanted me to ( Kinda spoilt that way :D) and the church dude "crossed" my forehead with oil. Oh and thats not it. He dipped my hair which I had just ironed in a mini tub of water in which he "mixed" oil :-/ Little did I know that the worst part was the next day, my first communion. 3 hours of aramic + mlayalam chants/hymns etc. In a nutshell, 3 hours of my life I will never get back but would do anything to. Through these hours I clung on to the hope of having brad and a spoonful of wine and guess the hell what? The dude gave ne tiny portions of pretentious bread and GRAPE JUICE. I am sure Christ was a lot more alcoholic than that! I am getting married in the church today and no, I do not get to wear a dress.
The place is awesome though. Went around the city for a bit and checked out all the malls. We are for sure thinking of moving here provided I don't have to interact with "the people" too frequently. Also, Pepsi and Coke taste better than in India,as do ALL the other food stuff :P I have to get ready for my second wedding now and of course the fake smile during the reception. Yaay! The joy!
Some come and go but some stay...
Sometimes we think people around us totally understand us and accept us for who we are and at other times we feel there are not too many of our kind around and that no one will ever get us. Our brain is oh-so-complex and as humans we have an instinct to complicate our lives beyond recognition.
I have had “friends” who come and go. Some of them realize they don’t get me instantly and leave, some stay and try for a long time to get me and leave when they give up. The former are the ones that don’t cause considerable hurt and bitter feelings. The latter however is a very different category altogether. I can safely say that when anyone becomes my friend, I give my 100% and beyond. To me, friends are family.
I have made mistakes in the past with friends and learnt from it. But when people say they have tried to understand me and are leaving me cuz they failed to do so, I feel pretty lousy not cuz they left but cuz I misjudged them. I probably thought they would stick by me and that they get me because that’s what they portray which is obviously deceptive. This might be a very hasty conclusion but I have a few friends in my head who I know will stick by me and I don’t plan on trusting anyone else till I probably gain back that faith that I lost when a “friend” walked away.
Seriously though, who is a friend? Is it someone who will stick by you no matter what? Will he/she point out where you went wrong and stick by you anyway? Or is it someone who will leave you the second they want to? The friends I think will stick by me are:
“A”- We talk about everything and understand each other to a great extent and have been friends for a very long time. He almost let go of me (I am a very let-goable person) but I had faith in our friendship and we are doing good.
“B”- She is a bitch. But I can’t do without her. She calls me fat. She is late for every appointment but I adore her for the way she accepts me for who I am. She has stuck by me thru my toughest of times and has been my pillar of strength. I can comfortably say that there is no end to our friendship.
“C”- We have been thru similar times and empathize with each other because of that. We have long endless philosophical conversations. He confides in me a great deal and I respect that. There are some disconnects in our relationship but I try to ignore them. All in all, a great friend.
“D”- Ah well, we probably talk once a month or lesser but I know she is out there and I can count on her anytime and vice versa. Someone who doesn’t seem emotional but gets me inside out.
And then I think about the person who walked out on me. Lol, shame on me! I am proud of who I have become and of the kind of people I associate with. They are no saints, but hey who doesn’t have their share of flaws? I have funnily noticed that people who call other people “mere mortals” and so much below mere mortals themselves. In psychology, I have read that “superiority complex” does not exist. A person exhibits his inferiority complex thru “superior” statements. That’s a topic for another day!
I have finally looked at someone leaving me as learning about myself and others. I am growing slowly yet steadily! And I have these people who walked out on me to thank for :)
Labels: friends, mistakes, shallow
