BIRTH OF SANITY

Yesterday, I met a friend after ten years. Why am I writing about it? Could be because I am taking a break at work, but really I don't know. It was extremely overwhelming for me to see her and talk to her. We had ten years of "catching up" to do. We were inseparable from kindergarden till fifth grade. Something trivial happened and she stopped talking to me. It was shocking to know that she didn't remember why she cut me off. That period had a major impact on my life back then as I didn't really know anything outside of her. When she cut me off, I resorted to "rebound" friends who I couldn't give a shit about right now.

It turns out that both of us are similar in many ways. I shouldn't be surprised considering how close we were but then I wouldn't think of it that way as we were "young". Like Freud says, the first few years of a child moulds his personality. It consitutes the elements he will carry all his life. The other traits he acquires are obvious off-shoots of his core personality. I think, that way, both of us formed similar personality structures. We could relate to each other on every level in such a short span of our reunion. I, for one, remember every trivial detail of the past which apalled her. That, I think, essentially shows how important those events are to me.

We were talking about the time in kindergarden when we danced for "Brown girl in the ring" and we were sad we didn't get to play the "brown girl". We were random little girls in pink. Bleh! And about the time when we played cricket and the umpire (a guy) favoured the other team because he had a crush on one of the girls and more arbit shit.

Although, we were not in touch for ten years, deep down inside it feels like we have grown up together.

"Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

- Kevin Arnold

I belong to the Brahmin Community and I have never been too proud of it (you will know why if you click on THIS). And you can use my comments area to diss us. So, my first cousin, who is obviously another brahmin, married a catholic which is considered worse than hilter killing a million jews. Why? Because we are brahmins.

All the Brahmin bitching aside, this is what happened. He told his parents, who are my uncle and aunt , that he was in love with Annie and was going to marry her. This cousin is like 27 years old. And as expected, the drama begin. They threatened to disown him, which didn't bother him much. But he respects them so he waited for them to change their mind. I would too, if I were him. But then, he 's getting older by the day, yeah? He needs to procreate and keep em lil brahmins comin' , so he decided to get married to her.

The day was fixed and he invited his parents who obviously did not show up as they did not even believe him. Talk about denial! Sigh... So they "disowned" him for less than 24 hours and "accepted" Annie into out family. Why the quotes? There are RULES:

1. She disowns her family.

2. She will do everything that her in-laws ask her to ( this is more of an implicit rule).

3. She will change her name to Deepa ( which is definitely more acceptable than Annie, being a Hindu name).

The list of rules is pretty big but I am stopping here as my post concentrates on rule #3. I have ALWAYS hated my name. Mostly because it is a very common Indian name. It does mean "beloved" and all but still..eehhh. I have always thought of alternate names for myself mainly because it does not feel too awesome when someone calls out your name and it's not you they are calling esp. when it is a cute guy. The pain!!

So anyway, the couple visited us this weekend and I had to call her "Deepa" because that was her "new" and improved (?) name! Yes, I fucked up and call her Annie a few times. And yes, I got yelled at by my grand parents for that. But I found it pretty amusing. A little later, I thought about it from her side. I mean, when people start calling you something different all of a sudden after say 27 years of your life, how would you feel? As a baby, you learn to respond when people call out your name and you build your self image around it. When you talk to yourself , you use your name (well, at least I do :P and if you think it is abnormal, ignore that statement). And then, it's bad enough you are getting married, you have to change your name as well!

The one thing that you thought you can call yours all your life. **Pscyhe!**

"The thing that a lot of people cannot comprehend is that Mother Nature doesn't have a bullet with your name on it, she has millions of bullets inscribed with 'to whom it may concern."

- Random person with a sense of humor.

Although I have been through events that have changed my life in a drastic manner, never did I actually realize the point of transformation unlike today. I started working today at CII. No, this is not my first job. I have worked for an AIDS NGO earlier when I was in college. So it was studies and work.

Today, when I set foot into the office, I felt like there was a sudden spurt in my growth hormone. That didn't come out right, did it? I could actually see myself changing from this crazy, messed up girl to a crazy, messed up girl who can handle real responsibilities. It dawned upon me that this was it. This was a huge deal. I had to make it somehow to get somewhere in life. During my coffee break on the rooftop, I was getting to know my colleagues when I thought I needed some alone time. So, I walked towards the parapet wall from where I could see most of the city. I thought about the times when I was in the same place on my terrace. I always thought, " Would it hurt if I fell off?" , "Would I be happier then?", "Will they cry for me?".

But this time, I told myself "I have to live, I have to get there." I do know that if I got back to my terrace I might just get back to thinking the way I always do but today made a difference. I 'd rather not elucidate on the compulsive suicidal ideation as a progenitor reads this. So moving on to the rest of the day.

I decided I needed to get some formal wear ( No no, there aren't any cute guys at work). Normally, when I go shopping, this is how it works and I was extremely proud of it. My friends absolutely hated me for it though. I walk in, pick up clothes in less than 2 min. Waist- 28, Shirts/dress and the like- S (Small). I would seldom try them on while my friends would take hours to decide what to get. Today, was a rude awakening. I walk in, pick up my clothes in less than 2 min and then pause, think to myself "These are expensive clothes, try them on." So, I confidently walk in to the changing room and guess the hell what? The pants won't go beyond my thigh! I look down and tears rolled down my face. What I was witnessing had never happened to me before. I was thinking about how delighted my friends would be on hearing this incident. So, anyway, not like I could reduce how many ever pounds I had gained in a few seconds by sheding them extra tears. I walked to the counter, asked for a 30 :-( and it fit me.

I hope people don't live to see days like this.

Amen.