BIRTH OF SANITY

Although I have been through events that have changed my life in a drastic manner, never did I actually realize the point of transformation unlike today. I started working today at CII. No, this is not my first job. I have worked for an AIDS NGO earlier when I was in college. So it was studies and work.

Today, when I set foot into the office, I felt like there was a sudden spurt in my growth hormone. That didn't come out right, did it? I could actually see myself changing from this crazy, messed up girl to a crazy, messed up girl who can handle real responsibilities. It dawned upon me that this was it. This was a huge deal. I had to make it somehow to get somewhere in life. During my coffee break on the rooftop, I was getting to know my colleagues when I thought I needed some alone time. So, I walked towards the parapet wall from where I could see most of the city. I thought about the times when I was in the same place on my terrace. I always thought, " Would it hurt if I fell off?" , "Would I be happier then?", "Will they cry for me?".

But this time, I told myself "I have to live, I have to get there." I do know that if I got back to my terrace I might just get back to thinking the way I always do but today made a difference. I 'd rather not elucidate on the compulsive suicidal ideation as a progenitor reads this. So moving on to the rest of the day.

I decided I needed to get some formal wear ( No no, there aren't any cute guys at work). Normally, when I go shopping, this is how it works and I was extremely proud of it. My friends absolutely hated me for it though. I walk in, pick up clothes in less than 2 min. Waist- 28, Shirts/dress and the like- S (Small). I would seldom try them on while my friends would take hours to decide what to get. Today, was a rude awakening. I walk in, pick up my clothes in less than 2 min and then pause, think to myself "These are expensive clothes, try them on." So, I confidently walk in to the changing room and guess the hell what? The pants won't go beyond my thigh! I look down and tears rolled down my face. What I was witnessing had never happened to me before. I was thinking about how delighted my friends would be on hearing this incident. So, anyway, not like I could reduce how many ever pounds I had gained in a few seconds by sheding them extra tears. I walked to the counter, asked for a 30 :-( and it fit me.

I hope people don't live to see days like this.

Amen.