Saturday, March 24, 2007

So cruel..

So, I started taking my anti-depressants all over again. I stopped without telling my doc, which was obviously a bad move. I saw this movie called "Shopgirl" which did not help me sleep at night for about 2 days. I hope to be well soon, I know I have to make the effort from within.
I have thought this through and I am going to feel better no matter what.

I came across the lyrics of "So cruel" by U2. It is very close to the thoughts in my head. I was actually thinking about writing a poem for my blog- . But then these lyrics blew me away. Beautifully powerful and apt.

We crossed the line
Who pushed who over?
It doesn't matter to you It matters to me
We're cut adrift

But still floating
I'm only hanging on
To watch you go love

I dissappeared in you
You dissappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted to have
I wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass right through you like a ghost
They look for you but your spirit is in the air're nowhere

You say in love there are no rules
You're so cruel

Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

You say in love there are no rules
You're so cruel

She wears my love
Like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else

Oh love
Like a screaming flower
Love Dying every hour

And you don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher?
Head of heaven
Fingers in the mire

Her heart is can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot

You say in love there are no rules
You're so cruel

To stay with you
I'd be a fool
You're so cruel

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

How beautiful you are, now that you love me.

मय फ्रिएँड्स कॉल मे सेल्फ-गय। वहत थे ****! Lmao! WTF was that! Some typo.
This picture is for all my friends who call me self-gay. Ahem..this picture should explain why. Enjoy :-)
PS: I can't thank Roma enough for capturing beauty at the right moment and letting the world enjoy it.

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Monday, March 12, 2007

I want...

Have you felt like you possibly cannot carry on without a certain something? Felt like acquiring it even if it meant kicking someone in the nuts? Or perhaps, getting it in exchange to one of your most priced possession? If yes, welcome. You have successfully stepped into the realm of Addiction. When I say addiction, I am not merely talking about narcotic drug addiction as most of you may think. This is also about the addiction that people do not give much importance to and realize only when it eats you up from within.

Addiction to any drug may include these general characteristics:

  1. Feeling that you need the drug regularly and, in some cases, many times a day.

  2. Making certain that you maintain a supply of the drug .

  3. Failing repeatedly in your attempts to stop using the drug .

  4. Doing things to obtain the drug that you normally wouldn't do.

  5. Feeling that you need the drug to deal with your problems.

  6. Indulging in activities that place you and others at risk of physical harm when you're under the influence of the drug .

Do you think all this is applicable ONLY to drug addiction? Have you ever felt one or more of the above symptom when you are in or just out of a relationship? Or when don't get to buy new clothes every week for one week?( That's just me). People addiction can be as hampering as any other addiction. In fact, it could be worse. Drugs only kill a person physically, addiction to a certain someone kills you from within. Maybe the Surgeon General hasn't determined it yet, but staying in a bad realtionship maybe dangerous to your health. It can shake your self-esteem and destroy your self-confidence as surely as smoking(!) can damage your lungs.

When people say that the relationship with their partner is killing them, it may be true. The tensions and chemical changes caused by stress can throw any of your organ systems out of kilter, can drain your energy and lower your resistance to all manner of unfriendly bugs. And often it can lead to drug and alcohol addiction, reckless pursuits and even overt suicidal acts. But even if there were no threat to your health, staying too long in a relationship that is deadening, or deadly, can cloud your life with frustration, anger, emptiness and despair. You may have tried to improve it, to breathe life back into it, but you have found that your efforts have been futile- and demoralizing.

Sometimes, basically rational and practical people find it hard to let go and feel like somthing is holding them back. They remain intensly involved with a partner who is consistently rejecting, who repeatedly causes them pain. Why, when they try to give up this relationship, do they experience even more acute torment? The person is probaby thinking "He/She loves me but just doesn't know how to show it."

Reviewing many studies of drug addiction it is noted that the addicting element is not so much in the substance (such as alcohol or tobacco or a narcotic) but in the person who is addicted. In love relationships, this addictive element takes the form of a compelling need to connect with and to remain connected with a particular person. But is this need always an addiction? Why call it an addiction at all? Why not simply call it love or preference or a sense of commitment?

Often there is a lot of love and commitment in an addictive relationship, but to be genuinely loving and committed one must freely choose another person, and one of the hallmarks of an addiction is that it is a compulsive drive which, by definition, means that it limits this freedom. The alcoholic or drug addict feels driven toward the addictive substance even when he knows it is bad for him. And when there is a strong addictive element in a relationship, the feeling is "I must have this person, and I must remain attached to this person, even if this relationship is bad for me."

So the first indication that we are dealing with an addiction is its compulsive quality. The second is the panic one feels at the possible absence of the substance. Alcoholics often feel panic when they are not sure where the next drink is coming from. Drug addicts experience this fear when their supply of drugs is running out. Nicotine addicts may become very uneasy about being in a place where smoking is not permitted. And people in an addictive relationship may experience overwhelming panic at the thought of breaking the relationship. I have often heard of people sitting at the telephone and beginning to dial the number of their partner in an unhappy love affair, determined to tell him or her that it is all over, but their anxiety becomes so great they have to hang up.

The third hallmark of an addiction is the withdrawal symptoms. As bad as the panic is in contemplating or moving toward a possible breakup, it cannot compare to the devastation when the breakup actually happens. A person who has just ended an addictive relationship may suffer greater agony than drug addicts, smokers, and alcoholics endure when they go cold turkey, and in many ways the reaction is similar. Often, for example, there is physical pain (the chest, stomach, and abdomen are particularly reactive), weeping, sleep disturbances (some people can't sleep, others may sleep too much), irritability, depression, and the feeling that there is no place to go and no way to end the discomfort except to go back to the old substance (person). The craving can become so intense it often defeats the sufferer's best intentions and drives him right back to the source of his addiction.

The fourth hallmark of an addiction is that after the mourning period, there is often a sense of liberation, triumph, and accomplishment. This differs from the slow, sad acceptance and healing that follows a non-addictive loss.

Underlying all these reactions, the essential similarity between addicts, whether their addiction is to a substance or a person, is a sense of incompleteness, emptiness, despair, sadness, and being lost that he believes he can remedy only through his connection to something or someone outside himself. This something or someone becomes the center of his existence, and he is willing to do himself a great deal of damage to keep his connection with it intact.

“You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit.”

- David Ryan

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

A-ha is you.

Stare at the cross for a while...What you see is in your head, not the screen.

Before I get into the actual subject let me tell you that this might sound like a whole load of boloney if you read it when you do not take time to actually absorb it. If it looks like crapola to you after that, well..that is ok. But read very carefully. Another thing, I do not intend to sound like a messiah in this post. If I do, it is unintentional.

How many of you might agree if I said Life is an illusion? You might take that statement with no inner-meaning to it and blindly discard it. You might even discontinue reading this post. Like I said, read on and do it in your own time. We, as human beings have choices in front of us almost every instant. The path that we choose takes us to the next choice and so on. One of my friends wrote this in one of his posts- You are where you are today only because of all the choices you have made so far. And I said "Sometimes people are not even remotely responsible for certain events that occur. What do you say to that?" He did not answer me. I found the answer to that myself. In my effort to not sound like the promised deliverer, I am going to talk in layman terms.

What is motivation? Motivation can be defined as a concept used to describe the factors within an individual which arouse, maintain and channel behaviour towards a goal. Another way to say this is that motivation is goal-directed behaviour. When I say goal, I do not only mean people wanting to be successful in life by becoming the CEO of an MNC. Any behaviour is goal-directed, consciously or sub-consciously. Sometimes even unconsciously. There is something called a motivation cycle which explains how motivation works in human beings or even other animals, for that matter. Every drive, leads to thought, which inturn leads to behaviour. Behaviour leads one towards goal, then there are rewards. This cycle is vicious. You may ask "What about punishments then?"

Simple. The cycle leads to punishments and not rewards solely because of the choices you make. You may blame others or God for it, but it is you. I am not telling you it is your fault, it is the repercussion of the choices you made.

I think I kind of drifted away from "Illusion". People call themsleves "Realists" or "Cynics", I m an "Illusionist." At some point or the other, you might snap out of some situation and tell yourself it was fake or an illusion. This is how two people react to the same situation. These two people have been betrayed by someone they whole-heartedly trusted and cared for. One person believed that the betrayal is an illusion while the other believed that the good times they shared and the good side of that person is an illusion. Choices, again.

Imagine sitting in a movie theatre and you are watching a movie which you think is good. But the world's best movie is still an illusion, is it not? The pictures aren't even moving; they only appear to move. Changing light that seems to move across a flat screen set up in the dark? The other people, any people anywhere you go to any movie show, why are they there, when it is only illusions? It is entertainment, fun, could be educational, escape from boredom. A movie is like a lifetime. Then why would anybody choose a bad lifetime, a horror movie? They not only come to the horror movie for fun, they know it is going to be a horror movie when they walk in. They still walk in, why? They probably think they deserve it for horrifying somebody else, or they like excitement of horrification. Lots of people for reasons that are very sound to them enjoy believing that they are helpless in their own films. We need to understand that some people are unhappy because they have chosen to be unhappy. We are game-playing, fun-having creatures, we are the otters of the universe. We cannot die, we cannot hurt ourselves any more than illusions on the screen can be hurt. But we believe we are hurt, in whatever agonizing detail we want. We can believe we are victims, killed and killing, shuddered around by good luck and back luck. You may ask "How many lifetimes?" Well, how many movies have you seen? Films about living on this planet, about living on other planets; anything that's got space and time is all movie and all illusion. But for a while we can learn a huge amuont and have a lot of fun with our illusions, can we not?

Lots of people choose lifetimes because they enjoy doing things together. The actors in the film play together in other films- before or after depends on which film you have seen first, or you can see them at the same time on different screens. We buy tickets to these fims, paying admission by agreeing to believe in the reality of space and time...Neither one is true, but anyone who does not want to pay that price cannot appear on this planet, or in any space-time system at all. Although, there are some people who don't have any lifetimes at all in space-time..the people who never go to movies. Thet get their learning in different ways. Space-time is a fairly primitive school. But a lot of people stay with the illusion even if it is boring, and they don't want the lights turned on early.

Now, who writes these movies? We do. Who acts? Us. Who is the cameraman, the theater manager, the ticket collector, the distributor and who watches them all happen? Who is free to walk out in the middle, any time, change the plot whenever, who is free to see the same film over and over again? Anybody who wants to. But what is projector? Imagination.

The film exists beyond the time that records it, and if you kno what the movie is, you know generally what's going to happen before you walk into the theater; there's going to be battles and excitement , winners and losers, romance, disaster, you know that's all going to be there. But in order to get caught up and swept away in it, in order to enjoy it to its most, you have to put in a projector and let it go through the lens minute by minute. Any illusion requires space and time to be experienced.

So you pay your nickel and you get your ticket and you settle down and forget what's going on outside the theater and the movie begins for you.

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Sunday, March 04, 2007

That four letter word..

I have been wanting to write something on relationships for a while now. From my experience, I am pretty bad at it. I could tell you I have learnt from my past relationships but honestly, I think I am getting worse at it. Everytime I "learn" and change myself for the next one, it crashes anyway. I read in some blog about how your mind is what fools you the most. Think about it.

You are with a partner who likes you, you fall in love with him. He still only likes you eventhough his actions show a lot more. How do you come to a conclusion that his actions show that he feels more? Hollywood movies, perhaps. Or Mills & Boon (bad idea, btw). It is all about conditioning. You have seen the girl and guy magically falling in love and only after that does all the real romance begin. You sub-consciously think that is how it is meant to happen. You delude yourself into thinking he is in love with you too only he does not know it himself or he is not telling you. Wrong answer. He is NOT in love with you. As simple(?) as that. If you realize that early in the relationship, it's great for you. I did not. I claimed I did, even to myself but heart of all hearts I would keep hoping someday he would fall in love with me. Everytime he would tell me he does not love me, I would weep for hours together (what a girl-thing to do!) and then I would indulge in highly self-destructive behaviour, pathological would not be too strong a word. In this process of dealing with the truth, I had hurt a lot of people who I genuinely cared for.

The above situation is probably a rare one. Here's another one. This guy you met a while back tells you he loves you, but you just like him. It is somewhat the opposite of the first situation. Only the girl makes the effort to feel the same way about him only to be dumped for NO reason. Or atleast he doesn't give her any.

The point of this harangue is that the foundation of a relationship is very important. And it should be founded on HONESTY from both ends. Also, it should continue to grow on honesty and respect. Love will find its way through eventually. One should also realize that there is no strict pattern for love to happen (although you might see the pattern around you, a lot). There are exceptions to the rule, yeah? And hey, if your relationship is taking a different path, explore it. Enjoy it. Remember, Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.

Insecurity is another aspect that destroys the relationship. Women, in general need to be reassured at regular intervals. But I guess as you grow, you learn to deal with your insecurities in a more effective ways that may not jeopardize your relationship. Your partner should, however be ready to help you grow..if he really wants to be with you that is. Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. If both the partners want it to work no matter what, it WILL work. After all, there is only one happiness in life,to love and be loved.

I also think that if one partner is being highly deceptive, it is not because he/she innately evil. No one is. Not even the ones that commit cold blooded murder ( psychopathology not included) . There is a reason behind every behaviour. One should know how to communicate this properly.
As long there is honesty, respect and faith there is nothing that can break the bond.

They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.

-William Shakespeare

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Saturday, March 03, 2007

Never Again..

You know what is really annoying? Not loud mallu relatives waking me up, not my grampa asking the same question a million times, its when stupid blogger acts like it has PM-stupid-S throughout the stupid month (Yes, I refrained from profanity as it is rather a public forum).
Blogger magically deleted a whole post I wrote. It took me a lot to actually type that post out because it involved many intense emotions. So, ths blog might not be as good. Enjoy anyway.

What does death mean to you? I know you have felt either sad or disturbed when you heard the news of someone's death. But have you ever felt agony and helplessness when the one you love just disappears? I have. It has been a whole year since Bro left and I cannot say I have "recovered" and I don't think I ever will. I met him 6 years ago in "Apollo Study center" (not that I was a below-average kid) and we did not have many similar tastes nor did we have many common friends. Our friendship was a slow process purely built on mutual respect and understanding.

On rakshabandhan, I was telling him about how I have never had a brother to tie a rakhi to. He just smiled and said " that's not true, sis". That statement, I will not forget till I lose my sanity.
Since then, we became inseparable. We have been through our most terrible times together. And I know for a fact that there will never be a replacement.

March 3 2006, he stopped breathing or so the doctors claimed. That day was an eye-opener to me in many ways besides being the worst day of my life. Evey-opener in the way people take their lives for granted, we make a big deal out of trivial issues.That is what the movie "Saw" is about which is a topic for another day. Also, my belief on matters like death, God, after-life etc. changed greatly. It was rather intriguing to see the way people were dealing with his loss. Every person had a different way of handling it irrespective of it being self-destructive.

I remember touching his hand, so cold, so rigid. My tear dropped on it, still he did not move. I knew then, he had left me..forever. Do i think he is better off where is now? No. Do I think "God" is taking care of him. Hell no (that was a good one!). All I know is that he is the Bro i have never had and will never have. Everyone has someone or the other who means so much to them that a day sans their presence feels incomplete. Bro was one such person to me. I wake up every single day only to realize all over again that I have to face another day without him till maybe, I get to meet him again. I have stopped talking to my friends about him. Why? Maybe because they might think I am looking for sympathy. They might not even know what to say. Or they might not be able to relate to my feelings about Bro. So I am bottling it all up for I know I will let it all out one day when I see him.

Love you, Bro.

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