Saturday, March 03, 2007

Never Again..

You know what is really annoying? Not loud mallu relatives waking me up, not my grampa asking the same question a million times, its when stupid blogger acts like it has PM-stupid-S throughout the stupid month (Yes, I refrained from profanity as it is rather a public forum).
Blogger magically deleted a whole post I wrote. It took me a lot to actually type that post out because it involved many intense emotions. So, ths blog might not be as good. Enjoy anyway.

What does death mean to you? I know you have felt either sad or disturbed when you heard the news of someone's death. But have you ever felt agony and helplessness when the one you love just disappears? I have. It has been a whole year since Bro left and I cannot say I have "recovered" and I don't think I ever will. I met him 6 years ago in "Apollo Study center" (not that I was a below-average kid) and we did not have many similar tastes nor did we have many common friends. Our friendship was a slow process purely built on mutual respect and understanding.

On rakshabandhan, I was telling him about how I have never had a brother to tie a rakhi to. He just smiled and said " that's not true, sis". That statement, I will not forget till I lose my sanity.
Since then, we became inseparable. We have been through our most terrible times together. And I know for a fact that there will never be a replacement.

March 3 2006, he stopped breathing or so the doctors claimed. That day was an eye-opener to me in many ways besides being the worst day of my life. Evey-opener in the way people take their lives for granted, we make a big deal out of trivial issues.That is what the movie "Saw" is about which is a topic for another day. Also, my belief on matters like death, God, after-life etc. changed greatly. It was rather intriguing to see the way people were dealing with his loss. Every person had a different way of handling it irrespective of it being self-destructive.

I remember touching his hand, so cold, so rigid. My tear dropped on it, still he did not move. I knew then, he had left me..forever. Do i think he is better off where is now? No. Do I think "God" is taking care of him. Hell no (that was a good one!). All I know is that he is the Bro i have never had and will never have. Everyone has someone or the other who means so much to them that a day sans their presence feels incomplete. Bro was one such person to me. I wake up every single day only to realize all over again that I have to face another day without him till maybe, I get to meet him again. I have stopped talking to my friends about him. Why? Maybe because they might think I am looking for sympathy. They might not even know what to say. Or they might not be able to relate to my feelings about Bro. So I am bottling it all up for I know I will let it all out one day when I see him.

Love you, Bro.

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