Thursday, January 17, 2008

Happyness is mine !

Ah! So much to write so lil time. This post is going to be about the year that was but I am sure as hell it will turn random somewhere in between.

I thought the year started out pretty good, but hey! that was completely untrue cuz of my oh-so-poor judgement about men..AGAIN. But this time, for a change I didn't sulk around for too long. The sooner you realize what a bastard he is the sooner you feel better. But I still couldn't get over that one guy. I hadn't spoken to him since Nov'06 but I heard about him now and then. Thousands of "What if" s in my head, stupid bitch that I am. Sometimes, I d slip into that world that belonged to him and I and not want to get back to "reality". At the same time, I d be aware of the fact that he was the result of many many wrong choices I made back then. Then what was it that didn't let me "move on?" Did he love me? No. Did he spite me? Yes (I deserved it, I thought). At one point, my delusion hit me real hard; when the whole world asked me to forget him while I was doing just about the opposite. There have been many times when I have said goodbye to him. Sometimes, to his face, sometimes to myself. A few goodbye s later it all became meaningless. So whenever I d have the urge to forget him, I didn't say goodbye. Instead, i gave it time because from the pattern, I knew I d think about him again. And again. And again. So I let it be. I stopped forcing myself. Then, I noticed that it was all under control- my overwhelming feelings for him, the sadness, the rationalization...everything. It still didn't go away.

I met a few more new people. The more people I meet the more I realized I was being bleedingly stupid being hung up on someone who never loved me. Then again, there is a thin line between between realizing something and implimenting it. I was proud of myself though, I thought about him less, cried less. It was all getting better. Sometimes, I would have dreams of him and feel like I ate shit all day. but overall,I knew I had made my peace with the whole situation and when I looked outside, there was so much waiting for me, welcoming me with arms wide open.

One fine day, Jobi walked into my life with no warnings of a happier life whatsoever. In the beginning, I was scared like I always am. I need to know where things are heading, if I don't I panic. And then...well, its an ugly cycle we don't wanna get into! Before I get into the whole story, I would like to clear my take on cliches. I dont believe cliché is a negative thing. If something is cliched it means thats what majority of the people agree on, be it an action or a word. So if I am cliched in any way, I believe I am close to being normal. So those who think clichés are for losers, stop right here and google "I suck" :P

Coming back to my best half, well where do I even begin? When it started off, it was all the same. The same rush, the same night long talks. Only this was really night long cuz of the damn time difference. It was that time when I realized what I really deserved. Jobi was sensitive, kind, forgiving and patient, most of all! I am a very difficult person to be with, with my mood swings and internal conflicts about stuff that seems trivial to me at the moment. He is the ONLY person who has ever put up with my grampa s talks for over an hour straight. Ouch! Now that is true patience! So we kept in touch over phone and the internet. Days seemed very long and it felt like they crawled by very slowly like they don’t give a fuck about what I m feeling! Jobi was supposed to come down in August. I could hardly wait to see him. I knew deep down inside that I could never give myself to anyone the way I had the previous time. People say “Life goes on.” It does but not the same way.

One day in July, Jobi told me he was going for a conference in Dubai and that he wouldn’t be online. I missed him terribly these 2 days. One of the days, his brother called me and told me he had received a package from Jobi and that he wanted to give it to me. I got back home from a long tiring day at my damn job and headed towards the place where Jobi’s brother and I planned to meet. I had never seen his brother before. So I opened the door of the coffee house and looked for him only to find Jobi trying to hide his face with the menu card. How did I react? I don’t remember but for the next few hours I didn’t say a word that made sense as though I was elegantly wasted. The rest is history. Telling our folks about us, getting a job in a different city, his folks “disowning” him and of course, the wedding.The wedding will be a different post by itself. As of now, I am happy with my life and with the choices I have made in the recent past. Even though I know no one can EVER love me the way Jobi does, there are times when I feel terribly low mostly during PM-fucking-S. But when I go to bed, I smile.